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The Creative Nerd
Disappointment
Booking Though Thursday this week asks:
Name a book or author that you truly wanted to love but left you disappointed. (And, of course, explain why.)
Whatever leads me to pick up a book, I have certain expectations. I don't know if everyone feels like I do, but I want to like every book. Maybe it is my thoughts of someday writing a novel or just a sense of fair play, but I think of giving the author a fair chance. They worked hard, you know?
An author I wanted very badly to love is Patricia Cornwell. Her pedigree is impressive: a founder of the Virginia Institute of Forensic Science and Medicine and her first novel won the Edgar, Creasey, Anthony, and Macavity awards as well as the French Prix du Roman d’Aventure. What is the phrase - everything but the bathroom fixtures? I wanted to love her medical examimaer Scarpetta - a lady forensic pathologist with a law degree.
In giving her a fair shot, I read two of the novels. I'd read one late in the series first, so I tried an early one to see if I simply was coming in too late. I had problems when all of the crime seemed to focus back on Scarpetta in one form or another. And I just didn't like her as much as I wanted to like her. James Patterson's Cross novels have the same element of being crimes centered around Alex Cross, but I want to go to dinner at the Cross home. I didn't feel a kinship with Scarpetta.
Lucky for me, I don't have enough time to read all the authors and books I love, so disappointment doesn't last long before I'm engrossed in another book.
Showers: A Haiku
Showers
I am not crying
Simply standing in the rain
Ignore Umbrella.
Christina K. Kubala
May 20, 2010
The credit, again, must go to How Many Syllables for keeping me in proper haiku. Their database is priceless, like a poet's multivitamin to keep formatting strong and healthy. Makes me want to try my hand at other structure poem styles. Free form poetry was the preference of my high school creative writing teacher, so I didn't experiment with anything else. Anyone know of an interesting form to play with?
What's in a Geek?
Geek culture is everywhere these days. From LEGO Star Wars video games to The Big Bang Theory, content designed to appeal to geeks has gone mainstream.
I, of course, think it is wonderful. Like most twenty-somethings who tend toward geek, I spent my youth apologizing for my strange interests. Trying to explain why you are reading (first strike) The Time Machine
in middle school isn't going to make you cool or popular. While the upswing in popularity in all things geeky does my heart good, sometimes I still feel a bit out of the loop. Not like I get dark circles under my eyes from loosing sleep over it, but I find it par for the course of my lifetime to be drumming to my own beat even when I'm on stage with the band.
Maybe it is all the bigger-geeks-than-me I follow on Twitter, but I have noticed plenty of areas where I deviate from the mainstream. Just to name a few:
- Not reading comic books. Nothing against them, but I'm not into the format.
- Not a gamer. I'm appallingly bad at video games. What's more, I don't care for violence driven story lines.
- Asimov is my favorite science fiction writer. It seems, in hanging around the web, Robert Heinlein gets most of the literary geek love.
It is strange being set apart from a group I clearly belong. To the geeks out there, is there anything where you diverge from the rest of the group?
Midnight Confessions
Saturday 9: Midnight Confessions
1. Have you ever had to confess something to a lover or friend? Constantly. Open and honest communication means those closest to me receive the confessions of my heart on nearly a daily basis. Tiny confessions are the weight loss drinks of a heavy soul.
2. How well do you handle rejection? No one enjoys rejection. On the surface, I appear to take it in stride. Inside, I tend to blame myself. Of course, examining why I was rejected does have it's good points in helping me understand my life a little bit better.
3. What makes you feel old? Working with people in the 18 to 25 year old range. I swear I was never that age.
4. What makes you feel young? Enjoying something made for kids - like cartoons or children's books.
5. What’s something you are old school about? Music. I love classic rock and lots of other old school stuff.
6. What TV show's seasons would you buy on DVD? Tell us why it rocks. Is there even a question: Star Trek. It rocks because it's Star Trek. (Are you people slow or something?)
7. If you could create your own TV channel, what would it be? A real science fiction channel. SyFy hasn't been in ages with all the Ghost Hunters and cheesy horror movies. Star Trek, Quantum Leap, maybe some original series with some meaty intellectual science fiction.
8. Where do you like to go for a day trip? An art museum or a zoo.
9. Name some things that you still want to do in your life. Attend college. Travel somewhere that requires a passport.
Color Blind: A Poem
Color Blind
Seeing the world
In sharply defined
Black and white
Makes choices easier
Than these fuzzy gray
Hues the rest
Of humanity beholds.
Christina L. Kubala
April 16, 2010
One thing of note when I publish poems is how I always include the date written. Sometimes it is actually the date I jotted down the original idea that later resulted in a poem. I don't know if other poets (a term I feel applies to anyone who pens a poem) feel the need to mark their work as such. Publication is a step I tend to save for a point at which I would attach the work to a card when I send tulips to a like minded literary friend. Since flowers are out of the question, I leave a little nugget from my brain published for all the world to see.
Let's Go To Dinner
We all love to wine and dine with our families and those we care about.Some of us talk about it. Some of us don’t. Regardless, we all have stories to tell…. past and present. Take a trip down memory lane your fantasy night out on the blog for all to read. We’re all ears. Waiter! Waiter!
1. When is the last time you went out to dinner with someone special? Tell us about it. Anyone I would go out to dinner with is special.
2. Show us a picture of your favorite cuisine. Pretty much anything my husband Chris cooks beats restaurant food.
3. What is the funniest thing a man/woman has said to you lately? It's been a while since my funny bone has been genuinely tickled.
4. What makes a gentleman a gentleman in today’s dating world? Are there any left? A gentleman knows how to behave with decorum. He treats people with respect. I don't know much about the dating world having been happily out of it for a decade. I would hope there are still gentlemen being raised in the world.
5. Is there anything you won’t tolerate when out to dinner with your significant other? My significant other is a gentleman, so I don't have too much to worry about. One peeve of mine is someone who refuses to tip.
6. What type of ambiance do you enjoy in an eating establishment? Quiet and not too fancy. Nothing where the guys have to wear tuxedo shirts.
7. Tell us about the worst public dining experience you ever had, whether it be a date or with your family. Early this year, Chris and I were seated and left for about twenty minutes at a restaurant before anyone noticed we were there. I can't say I've ever had anything horrific happen when eating out.
8. What is the lamest or rudest thing a man/woman has said to you lately? Nothing stands out.
9. Are you a good tipper? Yes. Usually, Chris figures up the tip, so we offer tip a bit with any kind of reasonable service. He's nice like that.
10. Do you ask for doggie bags when you leave food on your plate at a restaurant? For sure. Left overs are like free meals.
11. What is your pet peeve about restaurants and dining out in general? Between the prices and knowing Chris can cook almost anything, sometimes I think we might as well have eaten at home.
12. Do you prefer to order yourself or do you ever let your significant other order for you? I've never had a significant other order for me. Advise, yes. Order, no.
13. Describe your most intimate romantic dinner ever. (fantasy or real) Romance is in the eye of the beholder, don't you think? Pizza on the sofa and Law & Order on DVR sounds romantic to me.
14. Do you enjoy piano bars? I don't, as a rule, enjoy any kind of bars.
15. If you could go anywhere in the world for dinner, where would it be and who would you be with? I'd love to go to Italy with Chris. You can't beat Italian food or Italy for more traditional romance than I described in number thirteen.
Aretha Franklin Quotes
The fun new (at least to me) meme, Wednesday Wickedness , isn't wicked at all. Good clean fun to be had. The game is simple. Each week there are ten quotes from a famous person with questions to match. This week is Aretha Franklin:
1. "Trying to grow up is hurting, you know. You make mistakes. You try to learn from them, and when you don't, it hurts even more.” Do you think you always learn from your mistakes? I seldom make the same mistake twice once I realize what I did was wrong. Unfortunately, an infinite number of possible mistakes to make. Some days it feels as though I am systematically working through the list.
2. “I might be just twenty-six, but I'm an old woman in disguise... twenty-six goin'on sixty-five.” Have you ever felt that you were either older or younger, for your age at that time? I don't feel my age or part of my generation. My taste and pop culture references are about twenty years beyond my age. On the other hand, I don't always feel like a grown-up either. On a basic level, my life is pretty much the same as it has been since I was nineteen. I doesn't help that I don't look anywhere near as close to thirty as I am.
3. “I think the hardest thing is losing weight. That's the hardest thing more than anything else.” Have you had trouble losing weight? Mostly I haven't tried very hard. Not like I've run out to buy fitness equipment or try the fad diet of the moment. Nope, I'm pretty mellow about my weight.
4. "Being a singer is a natural gift." Do you have any natural gifts? A sharp memory and a way with words.
5. "I always felt rock and roll was very, very wholesome music." What the most "wholesome" rock artist that you like?
6. "I sing to the realists; people who accept it like it is." Are you a realist? I aspire to be a realist for the most part. Getting caught up in things might happen or might have happened gets me into trouble.
7. "No one loves a party more than I. I am a people person." Do you like to party or are you more of a homebody? A homebody. I'd rather spend an evening with my husband watching Law & Order. If I'm going to to social, I'd rather spend time with a small group than a house full of party guests.
8. "I'm gonna make a gospel record and tell Jesus I cannot bear these burdens alone." Do you feel the need to share your burdens? Selectively. Very selectively. I do think it is normal and natural to share life's burdens. Humans live communally for a reason.
9. "I'm the lady next door when I'm not on stage." Do you know the lady next door? (yes, you can pick either side.) I've been introduced, but I can't say I know her.
10. "I never felt inferior or less than. I was blessed to grow up in a environment where self-worth was underscored." Do you ever feel inferior? Yes. Having struggled with depression, questioning my self-worth is part of the baggage my illness brings. If nothing else, I can hang onto the value placed on me by those people who love me. If I respect their judgment overall, I have to accept what they see in me.
Based on the Book
Today’s MUSING MONDAYS post is about movies based on books...
What happens when you see a movie based on a book/story, especially one you’ve not read? Do you feel the need to track it down and read it?
If I enjoy a movie based on a book, I must read the book. In every case I can think of, the book is a richer experience than the film version. Even watching on the big screen or the latest HDTV cannot bring the vivid details reading a well crafted novel brings to life. It's a ritual that has brought many wonderful books into my life over the years.
I was only in elementary school when I read A Little Princess because I loved the Shirley Temple
movie. It was a perfect lesson in how even the best movies are only pale comparisons to the full stories found in books. In this case, the Hollywood version seems candy-coated next to the grim reality of a little girl left penniless during the first world war. Over the years, I have both read books after seeing the movies they inspire and purposefully read the book before seeing a movie. Both methods have brought books and writers into my life I might not have otherwise read.
Here is a quick list of some favorites:
Circle of Friends
The Three Musketeers
Little Women
The Jungle Book
Contact
The English Patient
Jurassic Park
Ethan Frome
Mary Reilly
No doubt, I have left out many other book and movie pairs. On this list, only Contact holds the unusual distinction that I prefer the movie to the book. The English Patient is so different a story from the film, I hardly think of them as connected.
What movies based on books do you enjoy?
Speeding Meme
Sunday Stealing: The Speed Dating Meme, Part 2
26. Have you ever been stung by a bee? A handful of times.
27. What's the sickest you've ever been? When I had pneumonia February 2009. Not breathing for weeks was awful.
28. What's your favorite form of exercise? Swimming. Yoga is a close second.
29. What's your favorite Cyndi Lauper song? Can't decide between Girls Just Want to Have Fun and Time After Time. I love Cyndi Lauper so picking two songs is tricky.
30. What did you do for your 13th birthday? I walked across the lava flow at Volcano National Park on the Big Island of Hawaii.
31. Are you afraid of heights? Not really. I'm no daredevil, but, for example, being at the top of the Space Needle doesn't bother me.
32. Have you ever taken dance lessons? No. I wanted to take ballet as a little kid, but it never happened.
33. What's your favorite newspaper? Don't read one anymore. Used to get the Buffalo News and before that The Seattle Times.
34. What's your favorite Broadway / West End musical? I've never seen a professional theater production, but I love the movie versions. If I had to pick a favorite I'd have to say The King and I.
35. What's the most memorable class you've ever taken? I loved my creative writing class, poetry workshop, and photography in high school.
36. What's your favorite knock-knock joke? Wasn't huge on knock-knocks. I do enjoy a good elephant joke. How about "How can you tell when an elephant has been in your refrigerator?" You obviously "look for tracks in the butter."
37. What's your least favorite commercial? Local car dealership commercials. I've lived lots of places and ads for dealerships universally stink.
38. If you could go to Disney World with any celebrity alive today, who would it be? I don't honestly know if I would pick a celebrity for such a trip.
39. Do you prefer baths or showers? Showers as hot as my skin can stand it. I might need the best wrinkle cream to counteract the drying effects, but I love relaxing with a hot shower before bed.
40. What's your favorite newspaper comic strip? Again, how do I pick just one? Peanuts or Calvin and Hobbes tie for all time greatness. Pearls Before Swine is a current favorite for both Chris and I.
41. What's your favorite breakfast food? Cookies. Duh.
42. Who's your favorite game show host? Alex Trebek. I love Jeopardy! How can you not love a show with an exclamation point?
43. If you could have a super power, what would it be? I'd love to be able to teleport myself.
44. Do you like guacamole? Yep. And plan old avocados, too.
45. Have you ever been in a food fight? Never.
46. Name five songs to which you know all the lyrics.
Bicycle Race by Queen
When I'm Sixty-four by The Beatles
Who Needs Sleep? by Barenaked Ladies
Jute Box Hero by Foreigner
Lots of others, I'm sure, but I can't think of anything at the moment.
47. What's your favorite infomercial? I'm not a fan of informercials. Never bought anything from one and post-DVR I see no reason to watch them.
48. What's the longest you've ever waited in line? Most likely at Disneyland.
49. What's on the cover of your address book or day planner? A beach at sunset on the little calender I keep in my purse.
50. Have you ever taken a picture in one of those little booths? Of course. Not usually the best pictures when you think about it after walking around the zoo for hours.
Bookish Influence
Today Booking Through Thursday asks:
Are your book choices influenced by friends and family? Do their recommendations carry weight for you? Or do you choose your books solely by what you want to read?
Many of the books I have read in my lifetime have been recommend by a close friend or family member. If I had to guess, I would say around half of my lifetime reading has been books someone else has read first and shared with me.
The reason I read so many books influenced by other people is as much about money as taste in reading material. It's not like I can afford to walk into a bookstore for credit card processing any time I want something to read. Running out to buy a shiny new copy of anything is a rare occasion.
Instead, I read what comes into my hand in the form of hand-me-downs. Since discovering the US Postal Service offers a special rate for media mail, my mom is again chief among my suppliers of books to read. I read off her bookcases my whole life before moving away when I was twenty. She, morbidly, likes to say it doesn't matter since all her books will come to me when she dies.
The Stairs
One step at a time
is sound advice.
Not to jump
Multiple steps
Or blindly run.
On the steep
Downward journey
My only request
Is light
Shined down
Upon the staircase.
Christina L. Kubala
April 27, 2010
My intentions in regard to writing are a bit like the proud owners of new ellipticals - I tend to just sit there and look at it. This is not a statement of making future promises to do better. It is simply an observation. It's unfortunate that I have some of the same reasons that people use not to work out. Lack of time and energy. Life gets in the way, doesn't it? But at least I have a notepad in my purse and my little corner of the internet. Now I just need a light to shine down ahead.
Fill In the Blank
It's my very first time playing Friday Fill In. Can you blame anyone for playing a blog meme at the end of the week? As if we have the energy to research and write about something like pronexin. Heck, I don't even have a rant in me today.
1. Where are my shoes? Chris would tell you I often ask this question around the house as I kick them off various places as I strip down from "outside" clothes.
2. If wishes were horses most people would quit wishing, unwilling to deal with the inevitable manure that come with wishes that come true. The wise and strong would continue to wish. Anything worth wishing for is worth some shoveling to maintain.
3. I'd like to see places I've never seen before.
4. When I was a teen, I thought most people gained wisdom and maturity as they age. Turns out, for most those qualities top out pretty early in life.
5. One of my mother's favorite sayings was "you can fall in love with a rich man as easily as a poor man." She didn't follow her own advice, of course, and is perfectly happy. I consider the saying rather sexist, along with several other flaws.
6. I'd have a hard time doing without my internet connection. I love the internet. I'm also quickly becoming dependent on my Blackberry. I hardly ever talk on the thing, but I wrote up this blog post and sent it to myself as an email.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to a hot shower after work, tomorrow my plans include working and watching the lasted episode of Glee on Hulu, and Sunday, I want to go to church in the morning (unless I opt to sleep in) and do some blogging. Sunday is, after all, a great day for memes.
Opposites Attract: A Haiku
You don't know his smile.
He knows when mine is a lie.
I can make him smile.
April 21, 2010
Christina L. Kubala
The above picture of my husband and I was taken at my brother's wedding in 2005. I tend to be the one behind the camera, so pictures of the two of us are rare. I've been experimenting with the automatic timer so someday I might have a few more shots to publish when I feel like writing a sentimental blog post. I'm learning not to be as camera shy since I walk around looking like myself all day. It's not like I need heavy duty adult acne treatment and if I did, I'd get some instead of hiding in shame.
It is much easier to post a picture of myself than to publish my silly little love haiku. The combination of exposing my poetic side and my romantic side is almost too much. As evidenced in the last haiku featuring Chris: my Thanksgiving Haiku wasn't mushy in the least. Or at least not to anyone else.
Thanks to for emboldening me with her habit of writing a haiku each day. Honorable mention goes to How Many Syllables, an awesome database that kept me from writing a 4-7-4 syllable non-haiku poem.
Up in the Sky
Never have I understood the anxiety many feel about traveling by airplane. Nor do I have the apathetic demeanor I've observed in many travel jaded travelers.
For me, the experience is always exciting. Understandable, since I've been on far more road trips than flights in my life. I wrote about my last flight on my other blog. I love the people watching. I love the vibe of the airport where everyone is going somewhere.
I know part of it is the writer inside me itching for stories to hear and tell. It is easy to imagine people's stories as you watch them struggle with carry-on bags (or not) and interact with fellow travelers (or not). It's like a living book of short stories in action.
Maybe it's just too many times listening Leaving on A Jet Plane (the Peter, Paul and Mary version for your enjoyment) that has me assuming my fellow travelers may be hiding bittersweet stories.
Another piece of the pleasure in traveling by flight is something I have trouble putting into words. So much for wanting to be a writer, right?
When I fly, I feel connected to something impossible. For most of human history, the idea of flying was science fiction. For people my age, even going to the moon is a fact of history. Isn't that incredible? Mind blowing? It makes me wonder about the future and how humanity will grow and change. Which of the dreams of my favorite science fiction will become reality?
Do you, like me, think of how wonderful it is to have looked at clouds from both sides?
Beginnings or Endings
I had to ponder the question to this week's Booking Through Thursday:
In general, do you prefer the beginnings of stories? Or the ends?
A total story is, of course, what you want to read. Beginning, middle, and end are not the accepted parts of stories for no reason. Leave any of the parts out and the experience is less than satisfying.
For the sake of the question, I have to say beginnings.
If, for example, I got to read only a fourth of a book and then be told the basics of what happened in the rest of the story, I would choose the set up. I love meeting the characters and learning how they live. Just in how the author describes the setting you know something of what might unfold in the story.
How much, even, does what the hero or heroine wear hold the seeds of the story? Picture the difference between a young man waiting at a train station in dusty equestrian clothing and the same young man in an Italian silk suit. My imagination runs wild with possibilities.
Even if I never get to know what happens in the end, I have the seed of the story in my head. And that's what I love about reading.
Museum and Arts Center in Sunny Sequim
A museum lover like me cannot pass up the chance to visit a tiny, off the beaten path history museum or art gallery. It is one thing to see a large, well funded collection in a fancy building like the St Louis Art Museum. The experience can be a little intimidating or feel out of touch with daily life for those not accustomed to the setting. While I am comfortable in world class museums, sometimes the smaller cousins of big culture can be just as enriching.
It was a special delight to visit the Museum & Arts Center in the Sequim-Dungeness Valley. Not only is Washington's Olympic Peninsula one of the most beautiful places I have ever been and a frequent family destination when I was growing up, my BFF Renee is one of three staff members keeping things running behind the scenes while volunteers keep the doors open at the exhibit building. Among other duties, she keeps the website updated with current events and photographs.
This last weekend was the first time I've been able to visit for myself after years of bragging on my friend who works for a museum and allowing the listener to draw their own conclusions as to size and scope. Without bias, I can say a visit to the MAC in Sequim is well worth the stop.
I love how history and local art are equally represented in the exhibit space. The culture of the area in the past and today is shown going hand in hand. Art lovers and history buffs have so much in common, it seems a perfect match.
For the month of April, the gallery side has a featured show of art made with recycled elements. The materials ranged from paper and plastics to metal and glass bottles. I even saw some computer parts like might be inside something called a Symbol LS2208 or some other gadget that would most often end in a landfill. How much better to reform trash into treasure!
Most items are for sale and prices are reasonable. I snapped some pictures of my favorites.
Wouldn't this flower be a perfect addition to a backyard garden? Notice recycled saw blades make up the main flower.
Of all the pieces, I loved this blue eyed baby elephant the most. She is paper mache so a cozy place in the living room would be the perfect home for her.
The above collage is aptly named "Going Shopping." I love the Monopoly money and shopping tags sticking out on the side of the piece.
Last, but not least, I couldn't leave out this mixed media work. I have no doubt it will sell before the show ends. A few short hours from Seattle, people in the region love their coffee. The colors are bold, yet calming. Perfect for when you are hopped up on caffeine.
I could go for a latte right now...
While I would love to inspire any reader of my blog to visit this particular museum and art gallery, I know very few live close enough to make the trip. If nothing else, I would encourage my internet friends to seek out the little places in your region that support culture and preserve history. Without visitors, donations, and purchases, community centered museums cannot keep the up the important work of reminding us where we came from and showing us where we are going.
Spend an afternoon exploring and help keep the lights on somewhere near you.
Plotting
Booking Through Thursday this week provides a difficult to answer either or question:
Plots? Or Stream-of-Consciousness? Which would you rather read?
I prefer the final product to feel plotted, rather than true stream of consciousness. It is not that I require a write to sit down and write an outline before a novel, but that when the writing is done the story has taken shape into something resembling a plot.
The process is explained so well by Stephen King in his book On Writing
. He talks about the first draft processing being discovering what happens in the story that comes from some what-if in his brain. Not to say all writers have the same process, but I imagine it to be fairly common. After all, pouring heart and soul into a story when you already know the ending down to the last detail sounds tedious. The polish and the plot making comes in later drafts. I have never written a novel, yet I can honestly say I don't know exactly what I'm going to write when I sit down to blog. I have a grain of an idea and maybe some research if I'm writing dermitage reviews or some other topic I'm not an expert on. After that, I let my fingers do the blogging. Sometimes what comes out isn't what I had in mind. I learn a lot about myself and my thoughts in the process. If I ever complete my lifelong dream of writing a novel, I imagine I'll have no idea of the ending, but I'll want the finished book to seem to going somewhere.
The first writer that comes to mind when I think of stream of consciousness happens to be one of my least favorite writers of all time. Say it with me - William Faulkner. I've hated him ever since I read As I Lay Dying along with a handful of his short stories in high school. I didn't like the writing, the story, or the people. Yuck! It turned me off the whole idea of stream of consciousness for a long time.
With all this said, I can name at least two stream of consciousness style writers I enjoy. I'm an unlikely fan of Jack Kerouac who wrote on speed with rolls of paper in his typewriter so he didn't have to take the time to change out sheets. Also, J.D. Salinger tends toward stream of consciousness or at least that's how I see his writing. Of his work that I've read, The Catcher in the Rye has the strongest plot.
So, what about you? Strong plot lines or streaming prose right out of the author's mind?
Truth isn't always pretty...
But right now the truth is one of the few things I can claim for myself...
Anyone who knows me in person or even other places on the internet should have at least an idea that something has happened in my life. Some changes. Some enlightenment. Some fire lit. I'm not sure what exactly the impression bystanders in my life have gotten. I do know I am more active and talkative on the internet and otherwise.
What I know is the reasons behind the changes that ought to be more obvious than results from miraculous natural diet supplements and much more valuable in the long run.
I have a tendency to beat around the bush when talking about uncomfortable topics. So, for those people who might not be aware of my mental health issues, I have struggled with depression and anxiety for years. In fact looking back at my teenage years, I have no doubt the problems existed long before I sought treatment in my early twenties.
Over the last year, I'd slowly gotten more stressed and depressed. One thing I am trying to grasp about my illness is how little the reasons and triggers matter. My life, my interpersonal relationships, and my illness began to spin out of control.
Long story made short, I spent the last week of February 2010 as an inpatient at a hospital for mental health treatment. I was admitted as involuntary however I had made the call to 911 myself and told them which hospital I needed. While I didn't understand exactly what was wrong, I was not so far gone as to think nothing was wrong.
Go ahead and read the last paragraph one more time. It's okay. I am not ashamed.
My diagnosis was brief reactive psychosis. As scary as it sounds, and it was scary for me and my loved ones, the portrait of "psychosis" we see in the media made me think twice about sharing my story publicly. See, violence tends to be the first thing a person things of when they think of serious mental illness. I'm a huge Law & Order fan, but I do get frustrated at how shows like that portray mental illness as some sort of prelude to murder.
In my case, I hugged the police officer that was sent to my door to check on me a few short hours before I went to the hospital. My illness did not change my innate nature, just took down all my filters and ideas about social order. Lots of other things happened later in the day that are too private and too confused to explain in a blog post. I remember enough to know I don't ever want to go back to moments like those, but that I was not the kind of person they write crime novels about either.
The good news is that treatment for mental illness works. I was given medication in the hospital to calm my brain chemistry down and get me through the crisis. I hadn't been sleeping or eating properly, so rest and nourishment did as much work as the medication. Group therapy session showed me things my previous experience in therapy for depression couldn't have. At the end of the week, I felt so much better than I have in years. I left the hospital with only my blood pressure medication and my thyroid medication. For my mind, just talk therapy.
In fact, the up side to all this has been a lifting of my depression that I can only explain as remission. It is as if my brain went so far out of alignment, it was finally able to throw off the darkness. I can only speak for myself, but what I call depression is a total absence of emotion. Right now, I am experiencing feelings at levels I didn't know existed. Feeling is much harder than being depressed. Yet, I wouldn't trade even the most painful and frustrating moments to go back into the safety of depressed thinking.
Anxiety is still a struggle. The best way I can explain is that I get mentally stuck. I imagine it is a kin to learning to walk again, only it is thinking my brain must relearn. It is not my body that has been damaged, but my mind. When I get stuck in a thinking rut, I'm also learning to call out for help. As I was getting sick, I stopped talking about what was bothering me with the people who love me. To call my habit of mulling a problem over in my own head a bad idea is like calling a missing limb a flesh wound. I suspect my husband will find my last statement darkly humorous along with an accurate view of how things slipped out of control.
I know I have still not shared many details. I do not think the details are as important as stating the simple facts of where I have been. I decided to speak out because silence about mental illness is deadly. Shame is deadly.
I am healing and learning what I want to keep in my life and what I must throw away. I published a poem about the two things I've come to see mean the most to me - my husband and writing. I had let the world's view of success sneak into my life and make me forget what has always made me happy. My marriage and my creativity are intertwined with my faith, making for three things I'd left behind trying to live a "normal" or "typical" life. I still want to be a writer and I want to be a good wife to my husband. Otherwise, I'm open to possibilities.
My eyes are open again to the fact of my happiest moments being when I walk in the truth of who I am created to be. As it happens, God made me much in the way he made the giraffe. Different in visible and obvious ways. I was not created to blend into the crowd, in physical ways or in mental and emotional traits. When I attempt to lay low to gain acceptance and normalcy, I fool none worth fooling and I depress myself. It would be easier to be average, but I am not average. I cannot be average. My soul dies a bit at a time when I try.
If I don't seem like the same woman or the same blogger as I was a few short weeks ago, I say, be happy for me. Encourage me to never go back to where I was before. Living isn't easier than being dead to the world in depression, but it's a whole lot better.
Radar: A Poem
On the radar
Screen which filters
My attention,
My hierarchy of caring
How to tactfully
(Is not intended
to sting,
to devalue)
Explain
You have never-
Not as a blip,
Anomaly,
Or unidentified flying object-
Even registered.
Christina L. Kubala
April 29, 2009
As much as I don't want to turn into one of those bloggers who publishes nothing but original poems, I don't know if I have the brain power to write a regular post today. Thinking of a topic and researching and deciding if explaining what spirometers are is a good choice or if linking to a page about them is better. All those things that go into a blog post before I'm even at the computer are too much for the day after a major holiday. But like acidemia, blogging is all about publishing, so like it or not, here is another poetry edition of The Creative Nerd.