Posts I Did Not Publish or Staying Positive On the Web
Posted by Tina Kubala at 6/27/2009 2:00 PM 
Categories: wellness
Tags: facebook blogging depression anxiety twitter web life call centers
Categories: wellness
Tags: facebook blogging depression anxiety twitter web life call centers
I had a bad week last week. For no reason, I woke up on Monday June 15th in down in the dumps. My mood didn't lift until Saturday morning. The weekend lifted my fog. By this last Monday, I was back to normal.
Don't misunderstand, I have stressful and depressing things in my life. More than some people. Less that others. Some are honest treats to livelihood. Some are vestiges of anxiety past. None of this changed in the last two weeks.
I wrote a post late Wednesday night detailing some at work issues contributing to my feelings. We've had some difficult changes at work.
In a nutshell, half of the agents were not meeting an important metric. As often it can be in a call center, the thing we were being held accountable to isn't even mostly within our control. Last month, I was below goal. My job was in danger. I was freaked out, then came to terms with the idea of drawing unemployment, then figured out how to fix my statistic.
By the middle of June, I was back on tract. Not to say work is worry free, but I'd have to be under goal for at least eight weeks to get fired. Now that I've figured out what I wasn't doing before, it's unlikely I'll have such a bad run again. It doesn't fix all the pressure, but every day I earn a paycheck is a good day.
I went to bed intending to proofread and publish the next day. Obviously, I didn't publish. I haven't even read what I wrote. I decided not to inflict my negativity on the world. I certainly wasn't enjoying it. Plus, complaining about work publicly, even without naming the company, isn't a good idea.
I could have edited into neutrality and focused more on my feelings. I didn't. I seldom do when it comes to the unpleasant things in life. Sometimes it feels like plan complaining when some of my stress would be fixed with a week long vacation. Even rv camping would work provided the campground offers wifi. Peace and relaxation would be a nice breather. I've never had an honest vacation as an adult. Just a tiny frustration, but a fact. I am ever aware my life is not so bad.
In a way, my bad week was about the fear being gone. The immediate danger releaved and the hard work behind me, I could get a little blue. It's not uncommon. But I don't have to like it.
Most of the time, I deal with my issues. I consider my depression to be in remission. My anxiety is manageable.
I keep myself busy. I keep my thoughts positive. I read constantly. I've never been able to meditate, but the centered feeling I get when I read is like the descriptions of meditation I've seen. If the point is to relax and clear my mind of distractions, books work. Music played loud in a dark room also has the effect I need.
Most of the time, keep myself on track. Happy, hopeful, and optimistic is the real Tina. Depression and hopelessness are interlopers.
My worst problem on those days I do feel down is the fear of depression itself. Knowing if one bad day turns into two weeks, I must not wait to contact my doctor to go back on medication. I cannot afford to wait like I did when I was initially diagnosed. It is hard to admit when you can't handle your life even when you know full well your family history of mental illness makes your having issues almost inevitable.
Now that blogging and other online activities are such a large part of my life, I'm in the position of making choices to what I discuss.
I have no problem admitting I suffer with depression and anxiety. While I was treated in my mid twenties, I know at certain points in my teens I would have been diagnosed. The reason I managed without bottoming out and into treatment as a teen is the lack of pressures and responsibilities. If I missed some school, nothing bad happened. If I miss work, our lives could fall apart. The fear of getting depressed enough I can't go to work caused anxiety that leads to depression. Sucks, doesn't it?
In Real Life, I've always been a master of hiding my troubles. My coworkers back when I went to counseling had no idea I was depressed until I made it know I needed days off to go to appointments. I even made the choice not to tell my mother right away. I couldn't bear how much it would hurt her before I was feeling better. Living 2600 miles away would make her feel so helpless. Once the medication kicked in, six to eight weeks, I told her everything, explaining she'd already helped me by being open about her own issues with depression. She gave me the information I needed to know what was happening and how to seek help.
As an outgrowth of my real life tendencies, I don't post about sadness and frustration. It's not natural for me. I don't want to be Eeyore. I don't want to be sad in the first place, let alone set it on my Facebook status.
Yet, part of me knows owning up to what is going on is a good thing. I have no problem when other people do it. In fact, I admire the honesty. In the online world I live in, people are supportive and helpful. Well wishes abound for those in trouble. I've seen it when I've posted about
being sick. I got tons of nice comments. So warm and fuzzy.
In real life, I have gotten to the point where I can tell those closest to me I'm having a bad go of it. My husband is the one who would figure it out anyway. I can be snippy. I'll have insomnia. I'll be painfully tired. If it wasn't obvious, he'd not be paying attention. And, thankfully, he does. Being alone would be too hard.
Will I ever post about these experiences as they happen? It's appropriate for a personal blog to include information on personal struggles.
I can't say for sure. I'm torn. I likely always will be torn. My choices are being honest with my online community or putting the best part of me forward on the web. The best choice is a balance.
Tell me, how do you handle negative life experiences on your blogs? Or social networking? Do you handle the two area diffrently, say, admit things on Facebook or Twitter you don't post on your blog?
As for me, I reserve the right to type up and not publish the occasional post.
hello Tina, we all have our bad days. At times we would like to give up but well, that's the excitement of life. Imagine a very peaceful and "no problems" life; it would be monotonous. Let's consider them as challenges...way to go Tina. Keep going!
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I think I wouldn't mind a few years of no problems. Mostly, I keep about the perspective you describe. Certainly, I have been through enough in life to know I can survive anything. And come out a better person in the end.
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I hear ya... I've had some pretty rough and stressful things going on lately, but you won't see a speck of it on my blog. I tend to get quiet online instead. Maybe part of it is wanting to only put the best side of me out there, but I think part of it is also just not wanting to put the negativity out there. I have to deal with the stress in my real life, and not talking about it on the internet opens up a "safe" space to just not have to deal with it and talk about it. Plus, occasionally I go back and read my old blog posts, and I'd just really rather not have to dredge up that negativity over and over again. I still have my journals from when I was really struggling with depression, and reading through those is a surefire way to start feeling all that negativity all over again.
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I agree about the internet providing a safe space. It's nice to have a part of my life where I have no worries. I only have to talk about the things I love. It doesn't matter if I'm broke or hate my job. Everyone with a modem is on an even playing field.
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Oh Tina, here's a hug for you before I begin.
I choose not to dwell on my struggles and that choice takes a lot of work. Problems are made to be overcome, and the Man Upstairs/Mother Nature/whichever you believe won't give me problems I can't handle. I make that my mantra. I have periods where I'm down in the dumps though and it takes a lot to drag myself up.
I don't write problems on my blog because in real life, I don't talk about it until I solved them or know what to do. By then they become past tense. I figured there are no use for me, you and others to be worried about my problems because that is not what I need. I'd write if I find the problem humorous though!
I agree with Jeniffer: "..not wanting to put the negativity out there"
Here's another hug.
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Thank you. It means so much to have the kindness of friends.
I relate to your sentiment that blogging certain things doesn't help anyone. The gritty details, especially, are not useful.
I do think a certain openness at from a high level view can be helpful. It is helpful to me to see my ups and downs. It is almost impossible to look back on events from the same perspective as when they happened. Since I don't journal in a notebook anymore, I use my blog to look back at myself.
In speaking out about depression and treatment, I hope, in my own small way, make it easier for others to seek treatment.
For the most part, my blog will always be a mish mosh of posts on topics with one thing in common - me. At least we know my ego is healthy.
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I find that I blog less when I am going thorugh a lot. Like, for example, right now.
My school district closed 8 schools last month. As a result, a lot of people lost their jobs. I am one of those people. My hair is falling out (yikes, this is a new symptom), I cannot sleep, my heart-rate feel out of control, and I want to eat. However, I don;t really want to blog the way I do when I am happy.
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How frustrating. Closing schools is the last thing our country needs. And I know you loved being in the school just from how you talked about it on your blogs.
Depression and anxiety are all consuming. Getting past it to write isn't a skill I've developed. Whatever is stressing me goes on a loop in my head. Sometimes I think this alone is the difference between a professional writer and a dabbler like me.
Insomnia is the symptom I hate most. When you have to get up in the morning and worry about insomnia adds to the list of worries keeping you awake. It's evil stuff.
Hang in there, Angie. You are a strong and capable woman. And you've survived worse.
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I try not to be negative on my blog. Sometimes I'll post about feeling bad on Facebook. I do write about some bad experiences on my Zemek's Updates blog at http://karen.pnn.com under my section titled "Life Is Tough But God Is Good."
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I like the idea of having one blog that is super personal.
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